I can never imagine I'll be writing again - esp when I'm actually someone's wife now! Gahhhhh yes, I'm all hitched.
I was afraid that I might be having the post-block writing syndrome after so many years with the archived posts also when I have so many things (to tell) that randomly burst out from my mind but then I eventually kept it inside, deep down beneath me. The urge of telling nor writing about random stuffs went missing as a blink of an eye also I've been so passive about writing these lately and sadly, the passion has fade away as the time passes by. Never had thought of wanting to write again as this blog is totally well abandoned by me as if the villain has already took down this lonely town over me. Exaggerated much? Sorta ;)
Well, well, I've been married for almost 7months to my on-off-love-hate one and only boyfriend for the past 8-9 years. Wow only by writing the period amount of years, I have yawned that wide. So so so long I could even fart in front of him. Yes, I'm the type of girl that will only fart in hidden places so that people won't notice. I sometimes fart in front of my mom, and they were all like can be counted. That rare.
Back to the title - bad wife syndrome?! This is what actually terrifies me the most. When I'm enjoying my alone time more than anything else. Even more longer than I supposed. Apart from being jobless and totally hopeless right now, I really love to live alone, spending ME times on bed like most of the day, doing nothing, watching rom-com chick flick kinda movies and gaining weight. Yes, I gained weight, PROUDLY but yuck all these extra added fats are making me look like 6-7months pregnant lady that bad.
I used to do things all alone by myself back then. As the last one in the family, I can prolly say that I'm so close with my mom, quite clumsy and careless but I travel A LOT - ALONE. Whenever my sister needed my help to babysit her kids, I will travel all the way by train, driving alone, and then I'll go anywhere I wanted to go, yknow things that will never make me stay and fit at one place. I'm such a free un-attachable lady and I love my life that way. Also when I wanted to have some ME times, I honestly don't want A single interrupt that could ruin the moments.
Yknow when a girl walk out from the bathroom and then locked herself in her bedroom, that's the signal of not wanting to be disturbed. As clear as a crystal! Never go knock and jumping on the door as if someone is dying or dead!
And then, the moment I realized I'm being such a bad wife is when I love the way I linger on the bed, alone. I love not to wash the dishes in the sink that I even give myself the time limit to clear all of 'em whenever I wanted to. I love how I can hold my lunch and only cook whenever I'm about to starved. I love of me being lazy, looking all messy and I love the unproductive me the most.
THIS IS SOOOOO UNHEALTHY!
It's not that I don't cook for my husband, it's also not that I don't like his company but sometimes maybe deep down inside me, I still feel like I'm a kid? I can cry a river missing my mom but not that much of tears when he's not around. Is this normal? Or am I the only one that feels this way? I love him and such, and when he went for work, I'll feel empty right away but the feeling of wanted to be all alone is just that strong. I wonder if I'd be a mother one day, can I say that I'm not even ready to such commitment?
I really hope that I can change my attitude asap. *off to bed again*