Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Bad Wife Syndrome - phase 2

In the previous post, I've mentioned how I am sooooo intimidated to do everything all alone by myself. The main question is, am I happy? Am I truly happy that I married to someone that I love and longed for?

Of course I am happy. As being the last one and very close to my siblings and all of my 8 kids (nephews & nieces) I'm glad that they can share the love with my husband too. Now they have their own paksu eventhough paksu still macam malu-malu to mingle around. I'm so grateful that my husband is not only a cat person also love kids that much, sincerely.

The main point is, being the last one in the family when the gap between my age and my other siblings are like sooooo wide (my eldest sister is 17yrs old - older than me) well I must say I love being alone. In add, my primary school friends' even thought me that I'm the only kid in the family as they always seeing me going out alone with my parents. Like, what is the percentage of me having another sisters/brother?

I guess that is why I love whenever I have my own space. I sometimes pushing people away just to have that own kinda space of mine even though on that particular time, I'm like in the sea of people.

Marriage life itself is a team. You can't just decide or do anything all by yourself. You cook for two, eat for two, play for two even fight for two, and you can't just simply act selfish of satisfying your own needs.

I sometimes have problem to share things esp foods, or money with people, I do have that problem. I can keep things aside and save it for my husband esp when I cook delish foods and stuffs but when it comes to my fav, I'll be like changing into someone else and being all stingy.

Not just with him, but with my other siblings and kids too. Things that I like, moreover things that I love, I hardly share with anyone else. This is me acting like a merely kid but I guess the way I'm living my life since a kid, is now portraying the behavior as I'm aging up. Tough life weh. Tough lah sebab susah nak ubah attitude :/

I'm learning to tell everything from the scratch as if getting important news or things that I wanted to share, any secrets (mostly gossips) he'll be the first person ever for me to talk to. But sometimes, I will just telling my mom as soon as I heard something new nor sharing anything that I love.

I am now FIND IT HARD to be a daughter, also feeling sorry to all mothers of daughters out there, when you are the one and eventually having the struggle to raise a daughter and yet when they get married, they'll getting far from your life. Isn't that heartache? T___T
A married daughter have to obey to her husband, and the priority also changed to husband's families as the husband comes first, the parents in law and then only your mother. I find it cruel sometimes whenever I'm having the thought.

But, this is the biggest jihad anyways, got nothing to lose :)
I miss mama already.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Bad Wife Syndrome - phase 1

I can never imagine I'll be writing again - esp when I'm actually someone's wife now! Gahhhhh yes, I'm all hitched.

I was afraid that I might be having the post-block writing syndrome after so many years with the archived posts also when I have so many things (to tell) that randomly burst out from my mind but then I eventually kept it inside, deep down beneath me. The urge of telling nor writing about random stuffs went missing as a blink of an eye also I've been so passive about writing these lately and sadly, the passion has fade away as the time passes by. Never had thought of wanting to write again as this blog is totally well abandoned by me as if the villain has already took down this lonely town over me. Exaggerated much? Sorta ;)

Well, well, I've been married for almost 7months to my on-off-love-hate one and only boyfriend for the past 8-9 years. Wow only by writing the period amount of years, I have yawned that wide. So so so long I could even fart in front of him. Yes, I'm the type of girl that will only fart in hidden places so that people won't notice. I sometimes fart in front of my mom, and they were all like can be counted. That rare.

Back to the title - bad wife syndrome?! This is what actually terrifies me the most. When I'm enjoying my alone time more than anything else. Even more longer than I supposed. Apart from being jobless and totally hopeless right now, I really love to live alone, spending ME times on bed like most of the day, doing nothing, watching rom-com chick flick kinda movies and gaining weight. Yes, I gained weight, PROUDLY but yuck all these extra added fats are making me look like 6-7months pregnant lady that bad.

I used to do things all alone by myself back then. As the last one in the family, I can prolly say that I'm so close with my mom, quite clumsy and careless but I travel A LOT - ALONE. Whenever my sister needed my help to babysit her kids, I will travel all the way by train, driving alone, and then I'll go anywhere I wanted to go, yknow things that will never make me stay and fit at one place. I'm such a free un-attachable lady and I love my life that way. Also when I wanted to have some ME times, I honestly don't want A single interrupt that could ruin the moments.

Yknow when a girl walk out from the bathroom and then locked herself in her bedroom, that's the signal of not wanting to be disturbed. As clear as a crystal! Never go knock and jumping on the door as if someone is dying or dead!

And then, the moment I realized I'm being such a bad wife is when I love the way I linger on the bed, alone. I love not to wash the dishes in the sink that I even give myself the time limit to clear all of 'em whenever I wanted to. I love how I can hold my lunch and only cook whenever I'm about to starved. I love of me being lazy, looking all messy and I love the unproductive me the most.


It's not that I don't cook for my husband, it's also not that I don't like his company but sometimes maybe deep down inside me, I still feel like I'm a kid? I can cry a river missing my mom but not that much of tears when he's not around. Is this normal? Or am I the only one that feels this way? I love him and such, and when he went for work, I'll feel empty right away but the feeling of wanted to be all alone is just that strong. I wonder if I'd be a mother one day, can I say that I'm not even ready to such commitment?

*long sigh

I really hope that I can change my attitude asap. *off to bed again*